The Fall and Fall and the Fall and the Fight of the Falloutkid

5:27pm: On bitterness and happy endings
As I sit here tonight, I realize that bitterness has been allowed to consume me.

Something I read in a zine recently was talking about endings. How endings are not the most important part of a story, or neccessarily even a part of a story at all. I really had to give that some thought, especially as I am trying to negotiate some endings of my own in my life as best as I can. Things that linger on, years later, things you wish you'd said or done differently, that sort of thing. Insert your own here and grimace with me. That sting is familiar, isn't it?

Now think about how it may not matter if an ending ever comes, let alone a happy one. We all know it ends badly. It ends in death, at the very least, and quite often in ways that are even worse.

What is important instead is the joy of the moments. The first time. The confidence. The full stride. These are the ways to measure moments and lifetimes. You can't think about beginnings and ends and judge it by them. A tapestry is not its loose ends. It has to be known by its exhilarations, and the full breadth of color and experience.

This is something I often forget, especially as I tap my toe, waiting for things to change, or at least the chapter to end. Maybe it won't. Maybe it already has. But in the meantime, life is still happening, and the good is not negated by the short sharp shock. There is more to being than ending.

loves,

DruglessxF

2:23pm: What happened?
Has twitter so completely taken over my life that I will no longer write in this blog, this lovely resting place of mine for the past six years?

Let it not be so. This cannot be so!

I have so much more to say than what I could txt message. There is so much more to share than what 140 characters can comprise.

I will endeavor to keep better track of poor LJ, fading into obscurity in such an unprecedented manner.

For today, consider this a step of rehabilitation of blogging habits. Please consider a top twelve bullet list:

1. Halloween was yesterday, and I was the ultimate party pooper. Poor health and a sudden unexpected sting of depression kept me out of view of all of humanity. I hid fairly well, but now today is a new day. I went running in the morning, refusing to be done in. I resolved to face my troubles today, even if I can't defeat them, and that is really just that.
2. School has been ongoing, and I am doing fairly well. The mid-term for Immigratrion Law was brutal. I'm sure I did poorly, but not so bad as some of my peers who had to use every ounce of restraint to not burst into frustrated tears. Some did not have enough restraint, however....
3. I am learning Spanish with some difficulty. The class I am in progresses exceptionally fast. I find myself turning the pages several chapters back to understand syntax assumed to be subsumed, but not quite sticking yet. Soon, I tell you, soon I will be fluent. It's pretty hard to do this, but nothing could be so urgent as to breach the monolingual wall.
4. (My friend Jeff at Sweepea is too kind. I am a pet rat that gets fed. **eats giant piece of cake**)
5. I forgot to call Dawn on her birthday. Some ex-boyfriend I am. I usually never forget. Next year she's thirty! Wow....
6. Partially related to the previous: Some of my old Utah friends have known me for half my life or more by now. Ah, old age is just around the bend....
7. PZS is getting really difficult. We're at a quandary with organizing, and we're looking over some old decisions in an unfavorable light. Perhaps we made a mistake? Or perhaps we're about to? Every person that I solicit advice from has a different opinion, and that is a lot of people that I trust whose opinions tend to disagree. It seems a decision will be made that will upset someone, somewhere. It seems I am reduced to choosing who it is that should be pissed off rather that building up a mutally agreeable compromise. Certainty is luxury that is not afforded to me. There's so many different sides to this, that I figure I'll have to do some nervous explaining to somebody. The implications of this decision feel like they are far-reaching, and I don't want to do the wrong thing, if I haven't already. Not so easy or fun to organize this year, but life ain't all sunshine.
8. However, the sun is shining today. Portland usually banishes the sun from September until May, but for whatever reason it crept out today after a morning of fog, and I'm doing the "cross-fingers" to ward off the effects of sunlight on my netherworld flesh. I half expect to shrivel like a vampire.
9. I have started to show up at Animal Rights protests, and I may make it a continual habit. I also need to think of some kind of volunteering that I could do to gain some good experience.
10. I have been running a lot lately. I bought a pair of running shoes, and I go for 2.5 miles every morning, with one day off a week. I'm working up to 4-5 miles. Ideally, I'd love to run about 25 miles a week.
11. I've not been working all term, and I'm at least a little worried about it all. I think it's great to be able to focus so much energy on school, but I need to be able to survive on a long-term budget that will not change over the course of four months. Kind of scary, considering that includes medical needs, dentistry, etc. But then again, living on the cheap is one thing that I'm good at, if nothing else.
12. I still like LJ, although it seems that so many have moved on to other things, not much unlike myself. Hard to believe that it's been only six years. Somewhere in there is the nostalgia for days and seasons that stood out like decades, yielding to the rush and pressure of days like grains of sand in a sand timer. I wonder how thick my "journal" would be if it were printed out? I have lived such a temporary kind of existence, that this is the most solid record of my life that I know to exist. Photographs, scrawls in notebooks, and everything else has been scattered, lost, or separated from me. Perhaps the very immaterial nature of LJ itself is why so much exists that I can review. If I live to be very old, I'm sure my regrets would be that I didn't take care of photos, mementos, and my teeth. But if I still have a story to tell, it won't be that bad.

See you soon, LiveJournal! (I promise!)

8:15am: Long time since last time
I'm back in the United States after a trip to Europe. I had a really great time, and I felt like I saw enough to really think on things for awhile. Top things that made an impact on me were Auschwitz and the Vatican. I plan on making a decent update with links to pictures on Facebook, if I can manage that.

It may take awhile, considering that my netbook's power adapter got fried in Vienna. Hope that's all that needs replacing, getting a new one from the company soon.

Life looks a lot different to me now; Looking at the evidence of how cruelly people treat each other, of how temporary life is, of how insignificant we can be, it really makes me want to cherish what I have. To that end, I'm trying to free up time to spend with Owen. I usually get so wound up in the fifteen things I'm doing, the relationship we have is that last pot that get watered. That seems unfair, and I think that I know how I can make a positive change on that. It has taken me a long time to learn that porch time is actually productive, and I would like to get a swing to watch the colors change with him for the next few weeks.

So, look for photos soon. I've got plans that need looking after.

3:31pm: This just in!
I'm not afraid of goddamn shit.

12:02pm: Death is on the calendar
I can't pass up writing in here today.

Death is on the calendar. Four years ago today, Jenn, Ariel, Blake, and Scott died.

Do you know that they are some of the only deaths that I precisely mourn?

I have a vague feeling of when my grandmother's body died (her mind had perished years before). I loved her deeply, but at her passing, I was relieved, and had probably used almost all of my tears for her. I recall that I gently wept after the funeral, and I haven't since. My emotions were strained enough by those still living, and whatever memory I carry of my poor grandmother, it is not one that has ever been adequate to be called grief. Remember, it was relief I felt. It is a crumpled valentine, found, smoothed out and placed in a file cabinet.

Death had surely happened in my vicinity before and since. Kids I knew. Students. Co-workers. People I was associated with. And in some instances, people I dearly loved.

Still, nothing can prepare you.

Nothing has really hit like Blake's passing in all these years since. 9/11 comes every year, and I feel a familiar mist of rage, a sense of mutually assured destruction. Anger at being forced to live in a time when the human species seems to want to die. Rage that my friends and I were being led along to a bloody path so soon after having closed the door on the 20th century. To want world peace at this time feels as if to live in the 19th Century and wish to be able to fly. We're too far away, and we'll never know how it feels firsthand, and everyone believes it is impossible. Every 9/11 is a consideration of death. How many more bombs and bullets until justice? How much longer until the end of the world? Each 9/11 that passes is one small reminder that we're still in the middle of WW III, and the world is waiting, waiting, waiting to die.... waiting for the proper time for suicide.

By contrast, today's date marks the day I must always consider life. I am alive today. Am I sick? Take my temperature, take my pulse. Am I dreaming? Pinch my skin. Am I well?

Well?

Everyone dies, and you never know when.

Call me selfish for still grieving the death of four kids. I admit the loss is insignificant compared to the others in the world, but I still grieve for them beyond the world, beyond my nation, beyond my own kin. I don't care.

Please put it down in my FBI file that I don't care. For 8/18 will always come before 9/11, and I know that not a second of life is meant to be wasted waiting. Not waiting for love, not waiting for murder, not waiting for peace, not waiting for the climax of war. Today is a reminder to live before you die, because you will never have another chance.

I'll not bore you with a trivial and tedious scorecard; suffice it to say, I have doubts that I am measuring up. I dread the thought of never being able to catch up to where I'm "supposed" to be, like I missed the bus, missed my chance. I dread that I can't forgive some mistakes people make, especially me. Today makes it all the more melacholy, as if I come to some sacrifical altar empty handed, no bounty to offer to prove my time was well-spent. Moloch stares at me and laughs with morbid contempt; still hungry, he passes over me for something more savory. Only the good die young.

It is definitively absurd that I demand so much. Even though I could list a few different things right off hand, phenomenal, unexpected, and amazing things; even though I have worked myself nearly to the breaking point several times, I carry the weight of the emptiness I feel at this moment more heavily than any burden this year. "It's never enough," and I'm still haunted by the ghost of you.

In your memory, for the rest of today, I will try to live in a way that will make me proud. You would probably tell me just to be proud of the way I live. I can't help the way I feel, but I promise I will keep going.

5:38pm: Update
This was an email I sent to the folks back home. It works just as well here, I realized. I'm short on time, so this is my half-assed attempt at an update.

Whattup?

     I may have to do the bullet thing again, time is short, and I need to catch up:

1. I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Ouch. No broken bones. Just some owies. My bicycle took the brunt of it. My brand new, $1000 bicycle. That part really sucks. I took it to the shop, got a damage estimate, and got it rolling again for less than $150. I bought a bright, (safety orange) shiny new helmet. I went to the ER, and I'm meeting the adjuster tomorrow. Settlement or a lawsuit pending. Everyone has advice for me. I won't be signing any checks less than $2000. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet, besides my boss and colleagues. I'll be going with a local bicycle-traffic injury specialty practice, however, if I go that route.
2. I went to the Autonomous Mutant Festival this weekend with Owen. It's a big thing he looks forward to each year, I think mostly to remain connected to a youth that is ever fleeting for us both. More than that, it is a way to reconnect to the heart of the matter, good times with old friends. Too bad for a lot of the attendees, it means getting helluv wasted. I've never understood why seeing old friends is somehow made better by not being able to remember what happened. It pains me to no end that so many are stuck on stupid, like going down the hill and finding out the brake lines are cut. Anyways, bad things happened at the Fest: One camp crashed their magic school bus on the way to the event. It rolled on the highway coming up the mountain. Nobody died, but ribs were broken and the bus was totaled. Their friends helped them out with a U-Haul and transportation and, uh, going to the hospital. Some stupid hippies that were attending the event parked beneath a termite-eaten tree with a sign from the Forestry Service that specifically said: "DO NOT park underneath this tree under any circumstances." The various sound systems blaring horrible and scary sounds upset the trees, and so one of them broke in half and destroyed one car and damaged two others. Nobody got hurt, but they got a lot of explaining to do to their parents (It couldn't have been their own personal car. They were too young to afford a newish VW Jetta. Stupid hippies. Just the same, they only had liability insurance. Idiots...). Trouble comes in threes, I've noticed, and the last incident was that some moron took way too much psychedelic drugs and went crazy. He starting jumping on people's tents, further alienating him from good will or too close of a distance to anyone else's personal space. He went running wild in an unoccupied pasture/swamp, and was found dead, floating face down in the mucky swamp. Niiiiice one. I might possibly go again to Mutant Fest next year, but I spent much of the time wondering why I wasn't going to the Earth First Rendezvouz, happening concurrently less than 100 miles away. Even though some of the Earth First kids are every bit the jackass that the Mutant Fest kids are, they are at least mobilizing for environmental activism, not just debauchery. BTW, it should go without saying that I was adamantly sober the whole time, as I have been since 3/17/2003. I never really feel tempted these days. It's because I'm right. That is to say, my lifestyle, in this regard, is totally legit for myself, and there is nobody that can tell me I'd be better off "relaxing" or "learning a valuable life lesson" with drugs and intoxicants. They can't even tell me "You'll never know until you try", because I already have. It sucks. I had no idea being "open minded" meant getting so stoned that you pass out watching Comedy Central on TV, or break your audio equipment in frustration, or say, try to swim in the lonely mud like a fish, sans gills. It's like "thanks huge for the life lesson". Nobody else in the whole wide world knows what is right for ME. Only I can really look out for myself. Everyone has to make up their own mind on the drugs thing, and I've definitely made up mine. I didn't talk to anyone else at the fest that shared my status, but it's not one that even needs company, really. It is validated by my life and my decisions, not anyone else's. It's still right for me, whether I'm with one million at my side or it's me against them all.
3. I thought the aforementioned bad parts nearly completely ruined what was a nice campout, the first time out of the city more than 50 miles with Owen in a year or more. We saw Crater Lake the next day, and that was really cool. It put things in perspective. 400,000 year old rock/water formations make life and death seem almost insignificant. But only almost. I returned to 108 ft above sea leavel (my basement) with a new resolve, a new lust for life. Nothing like the constant exposure to the threat of death to make life seem so important.
4. I have a lot of work to do.... However, Owen and I are going to Europe, and saying goodbye to the USA for a little while. We've earned it. We'll see London, Berlin, (Dresden?), Amsterdam, Paris, Prague, and Auschwitz (I insisted on that one.) Next time we'll probably try South America. I want to see more of SE Asia again, and that will probably happen by the time Owen is 40 (haha). We'll deffo hit up Hiroshima when we visit Japan.
5. I'm falling behind in school this minute. I didn't get enough work done over the weekend, although I'd thought I'd be okay. I want a 4.0 GPA this term as revenge for the last one. Catch up is happening later tonight, in a big way.
6. Falling behind with the Portland Zine Symposium. Who knows when I'll catch up with that? The PZS happens in two weeks. Ugh... I'm falling apart!
7. Did I tell ya? My current cumulative GPA is now 3.9. Not bad, but not a flawless victory. I took that hard, but as long as I can score a fatality in this mortal kombat vs. the economy, I won't feel I've wasted my quarters. (P.S. Liu Kang for the win!)
8. Oh yes, a real vacation is definitely in the works, and my first in over six years. I have forgotten how to relax in all that time.
9. Check out this girl: http://www.pcc.edu/news/NewsRelease.cfm?BrowseBy=display&NewsNo=09-66jh Queers for the REVENGE! She does go to my school. REVENGE! Hahaha! That's totally going to be me.

Just say no to stupid hippies,
DruglessxFrakkin' F

8:39am: So Hard to Deal.....
.... with letters from my little brother the missionary, talking about how he converts people to Mormonism. How proudly the plague spreads upon thine greenest valley. Brother, spare me sip from the cup that runneth over. Become drunk on the blood of Christ, for tomorrow, we will die.

The tentacled plague is everlasting. It lives longer than the will to resist. It lives longer than screams of sorrow or pain. It perpetuates itself, a parasite, needing only a willing host. The plague spreads across the greenest valley, spilling from the cup throughout eternity.

4:06pm: A Criminal Mind
A Criminal Mind

Do you have a criminal mind?
I hear mine talking all the time:
"What once was yours should be mine
It's only justice, and not a crime."

Don't call me crazy, I'm not out of line
Consider this just one small fine;
You have more than should be divined
What once was yours will soon be mine

Don't call the cops, now is not the time
My knife on your neck, my point sublime
Darkened thoughts turned to cost of grime
I always collect when I have the time

So hand it over, and don't you whine
My only weakness is a listed crime
but I'm still strong enough to do the time
What once was yours will now be mine

11:55am: Thor's Revenge
http://heraldextra.com/news/state-and-regional/article_c183bbf5-fa73-51a5-a192-f72e5a4f709e.html

9:36am: Animal rights
Yo, I spent some time getting burned in the sun outside Ungar Furs again. I will miss being able to do that once school begins.

I then went home, after flyering for the PZS down Vancouver towards home.

I got home, and was in the mood to daydream about the future:

".....and when I have bought a house, there will be a rule that there will be no meat in the home." Well, that didn't go over so well with Owen, and we proceeded to get into a long argument that lasted well over three hours. I ended up saying something stupid, like "I am more passionate on animal rights than you are about anything in your life." Ouch, poor choice of words. I was searching for some comparison. Would a gothic DJ be willing to go to prison for trying to run a club? What about if they were unpaid, or even better, if it cost them thousands of dollars they would never recoup? I am convinced that by the time I die, no matter what I do accomplish, I will enter the afterlife wringing my hands, plagued with self doubt over whether I could have done more.

However, I still feel that I erred in positing such to Owen. Quantifying emotions is impossible. To do so requires the accounting skills of that which does not exist, some kind of god or angel. I had time to mull that one over, and I apologized to Owen in the morning. I was wrong. However, I still won't want meat in any home I pay for, any house I own.

It is one thing to rent a space with several different people and to share lives, choices, and living areas. It has been difficult, but I have been able to establish an emotional separation between my passion for animal rights and the actions of eating meat and leaving the mess everywhere, a pan of animal fat perpetually on the stove and reused. Perhaps open-minded to a fault. Nevertheless, I do not feel the need to lecture roommates everyday about their callous behavior or the politics of diet. They live in Portland. However, with Owen, it is another story. He lives with me. He bears my feeling on the issue everyday. The idea of spending my life with someone, intertwining my heart with one who cannot, who will not show life enough honor by performing one of the easiest tasks imaginable is aggravating beyond description. In aforethought considerations of the future, when I think of the distance yet to travel to reach a mutually agreeable position, I do shudder.

Owen's most sacred personal commandment in life is to not tell anyone else how to live. Mine is to confront injustice. It is not difficult to see how these diverge, but I believe that there is enough commonality to make it worth fighting for its preservation. Owen insists I enforce my opinion on him, that I tell him how to live. The first rebut is that he forces his opinion on the hundreds of beings that die every year so that he can eat fast food, telling them how to live and die. It is hard for me to communicate with the unfeeling nature of that habit with any degree of sensitivity.

I understand that vegetarianism and veganism are exceptionally minority viewpoints, and that the more vocal you are, the more distrusted and dislike you become. However, I have no desire to facilitate the slaughter, not in the name of acquiescence, democracy, or personal liberty. In any committed marriage of betrothed and finances, I will remain opposed to needless slaughter. Meat is murder, and no amount of debate or compromise will make the spilled blood of the innocent any less real.

10:28am: Yuck...
Still reeling from the blow I got this morning when I checked my grades. Ladies and gentlemen, I must be human after all. I got a "B". No more 4.0 anymore..... Damn. That was a good thing I had going on there.

I was pretty miffed about it all this morning, leaving the house feeling quite flustered. I don't do half-steppin' see? I knew this term was rough, but I didn't think it was that rough. However, I think that I will be okay in a few more hours.

I didn't expect a "B" in this class, Legal Ethics. I did, however, expect a low return from Family Law, which has yet to arrive. That might be two "B"s, dropping my term GPA to 3.4. If Family Law is an "A", an unlikely possibility at this point, I will still be at 3.7, effectively knocking me off the President's List for the first term since I started attending. At the low end, I will still be within the bounds of "honors" at PCC, but certainly below what would be considered as acceptable at any of the institutions I intend on transferring to. I am humbled by these outcomes, and I'm helluv pissed off by it all.

I comforted by four things:

1. My cumulative GPA will still be well above marginal levels: 3.81 to 3.9, depending on whether I get two "B"s this term or one...
2. These are paralegal classes. Although they may be visible on a transcript during a transfer to any scholastic institution, they will not be heavily considered, as they will not be used as computation for my transfer degree, and thus, will not affect my undergrad GPA. It matters only in the context of my attendance at PCC.
3. This term was hard as fucking hell.
4. Who the hell freaks out because they got a "B"? I should relax.

The stone has rolled down the slope. It is time to carry it to the top again, knowing that I can never truly reach the peak. Although I intend to score 4.0 on terms in the future, cumulative 4.0 will not happen again at PCC. Whoops, sorry about that, Sisyphus. I feel a subtle wave of apropos satisfaction....

2:20pm: The bullet list
re: zines...

• Bought copies of by The Rebel and The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays by Albert Camus, and how could I resist, The Trial by Franz Kafka. Camus is going to become a huge source of literary inspiration for the next and somewhat final chapter of my Goldenspike Hardcore zines. It's time to put the last stone in place, and I will not be dissatisfied with my efforts. Provo will have a veritable stonehenge of zines, issues standing on their bottom end, the memory of temples of freedom. They will be available if they want them, but better yet, submerged in some dusty bookstore for thirty years. The kids have such short memory spans.
• Working title for the next zine is still "Peers of Sisyphus". I rather like Trial and Error: Goldenspike Hardcore for the name of the collected edition, a tome of some four hundred pages. I perceive a one-time printing of five hundred copies, and being in debt for over a thousand dollars. Hahaha.
• I am ever increasingly made aware that this is something that I am doing almost purely for myself and for the memory of a dead person. I will let my conscience and his memory rest a little more easily after this one last effort. Next up for zineage will be either serialized fiction of a cat, a children's book (????), or perhaps immigrant stories available on the streets of Portland. This city has a lot to offer in the way of stories.

re: school....

• I have all of my textbooks, calculators, and general supplies again. I'll probably spend $15 on paper, notebooks and pens, and I'll be good. Tuition is already in the bag (thanks for paying your taxes, everybody).
• Two favorable grades have come back, still waiting for the results from the law classes. Fuck waiting! I need to know!
• Really stoked on philosophy for this summer.
• I will definitely have my shit together enough to do Americorps this go 'round. I keep going by the Habitat for Humanity ReStore on Water Ave. Several times a day, since it is right by work. I would gladly pitch in on days off and weekeends to get the 6-8 hours a week, or whatever it is.

re: family....

• Talked to my uncle today. It wasn't too bad, but I'm tired of being the gracious one. I got invited to go the reunion again without Owen. I declined to attend without my family. Again. I think that they'll figure it out eventually. I offered to send him an invitation for the "joining ceremony" (is that what you call it???) for Owen and myself next year, and he accepted. I'll figure out the date next week, I think. June 20th, 2010, probably. I don't care who comes or not, but if anyone wants to thump their bibles at me, I'm liable to thump on them.
• Talked to my brother for the first time in a minute. Summer work in Sacto treats him well, and he's still going to go live an hour outside Phoenix, in a house he'll have completely paid off in like,  five years. Absurd! My other brother Nathan is enviously eying the area as well. Michael wants to be a high school football coach in the area, and Nathan just wants the American dream to work out. I figure I'll probably end up living in Portland for the rest of my life, and I don't think it's all that bad. This city is revealing herself to me, and now that we're comfortable associates, I feel that we're on the verge of becoming close friends.
• My dad seems to be doing okay out in California..... Aaron is still converting the heathens, most of the Hawaii siblings moved back to California.

re hardcore family....

• I talk a lot to Kristen Lambert almost everyday. She and I feel like we're becoming a lot more close than we were when I lived at home. I figure a lot of that had to do with impenetrable defenses of a strange little clique that thrived on alienation and seemed to be desparately trying to recruit ten members and cast off two at any given time. I've got some regrets there, but it's just that we're all a little fucking crazy, see? Hey, why don't you try growing up absurd and see where it gets you?
• I wonder if I won't be joined sometime by some kids from back home. Chances are, I truly believe that I am one of the only ones that will have escaped for good from that little scene, although Kristen seems to be the next likely candidate for a post-Utah life.
• I am secretly super jealous of people that have the time to play instruments.

re: activisim.....

• Ugh, I was supposed to spend today down at the anti-fur demo, but it looks less and less likely that I'll spend at significant time there. Sorry, I suck. I was getting caught up with work and school stuff. 
• I need to stop letting all of this planning for a productive activism interfere with actual activism. As far as activists go, I am embarrassedly a piss poor example, in my own estimation. I feel like I should be doing something more than working my job and going to school, but there's so very little time left for anything else. I am afraid that this is a habit that will only be replicated as I progress with academia, to the point where I will be too busy doing "professional" things to be able to devote as much time as I would like on actual grassroots, on the front type of work. I look at the other examples around me, and I feel shamed that I cannot even produce ten percent of the work that they can. I tell myself that it will even out when I can represent them pro bono in the next few years, but it feels like a poor substitute for making a move on the front lines. I think that court room battles can be epic and important, but direct action is really where its at, whether it's staging a protest, marching, or some other underground activities. There's only so much of that I can participate in if I intend to provide qualified, durable, and skillful legal support. Who would have thought that pursuing a law degree would actually close so many doors?

re: general status.....

• fighting fit, ladies and gentlemen. Things are on the move. I've gotta get out the door, now, so be good, and if not, don't get caught.

11:36am: Theory v. practice: acting concerned about Gay Rights only helps you get elected
crossposted to anarchists 

".....As a presidential candidate, Barack Obama claimed “we need to fully repeal the Defense of Marriage Act,” which says states are not required to recognize other states’ same-sex marriages.
That was then. This week, the Obama administration is facing the ire of gay rights groups after it filed a brief in California federal court defending the Defense of Marriage Act and calling it a “valid exercise of Congress’ power” that is saving taxpayers money.....

...Gay rights groups are livid on this issue, and understandably so; marriage is considered a fundamental right under the Constitution (the question, of course, becomes whether same-sex marriage is a fundamental right). But really, on the political front, who can be surprised? It was clear–or should have been–from the very beginning, that Barack Obama would use the LGBT community to get himself elected, and then ditch the community at the very first opportunity. Maybe if the now-outraged Andrew Sullivan had paid more attention to the important issues of the day, and less attention to Trig Palin’s matrilineal line, he would have seen this coming."

clipped from http://newledger.com/2009/06/the-obama-administration-more-of-the-same-on-same-sex-marriage/

Hella. Anyways, it was pride up in Portland this weekend. I celebrated it by getting nailed in the ass. Preach it, Edie:

3:33pm: Wedding! (not an announcement....yet)
Last night was Ross and Alisa's wedding. It was a lot of fun, and there was a large party over at their house afterward. The overall atmosphere was joyous, exuberant, and overflowing with good emotion and positivity.

I am usually not that much of a party goer, but I had a really good time. There were a lot of people present that I have known for a few years, and few that I have heard much about over the years that I have finally met in the flesh.

A significant chapter in the story of our lives, as the story gently unfolds.

People were naturally asking if Owen and I were going to be next, and I couldn't think of a significant rebut. Perhaps we are?

Owen and I have been in "planning stages" of marriage discussions for quite some time now. I think that it is quite likely that we will be tying the knot with our little limp wrists, but I am uncertain of when this will happen. I don't expect to wait until the law is on our side. What is more important is that our hearts are on our side, and I certainly believe that we have this advantage.

All that remains, really, is to "have a party" as Tisa euphemistically suggested. I would prefer more planning in this regard.... but maybe it could happen this year? I don't know.... Owen and I have known each other longer than all of my siblings have known each others' respective spouses-- combined. Just sayin'. I met that boy when I was 18 or 19 years old. Here I am, almost ten years later, and nobody would get me to believe back then that by today I'd be on a law school track, vegan straight edge, dating an incredibly amazing boy that is not vegan or straight edge, but is still the necessary missing parts of my life and soul, nonetheless. This has been a wild ride for me.

When I spoke to everyone last night at the wedding of our friends, it was as if history calmly opened itself upon the kitchen table, and there was laughter through the tears. Disparate elements recombined, interconnectedness undeniable. Loud and rowdy youngsters, and Ross's graceful and charming octogenarian grandmother. It was obvious it was a "freaky kid wedding", whatever the hell that means anymore. The bride had green hair, and two of the males in the her line were wearing dresses and makeup. However, we also felt so normal at the same time. Maybe not "normal", but certainly comfortable. Nothing to prove to anyone, we can all see clearly how happy we all are for each other.

I was taking notes with Owen and we were comparing them together. I certainly think that we will be having our ceremony within the next year, even though it changes very little of how we already live.

I want a bagpiper at the ceremony. I don't think that's too cheeky. Maybe a couple of bands in the evening, a DJ later on.... I want to address the gathering, instead of some officiator doing it for me. I wouldn't mind too much if Tony Burgess married us, that is, if he is willing to register as a "priest" of some fictitious order. I don't mind the booze thing so much, because although Owen is dry and sober, he is certainly not straight edge, and none of his friends are. If we put a moratorium on booze, people would be sneaking it in. Better just to accept the people the way they are, I think, and they may toast us however they prefer. However, I would object to serving meat at any such gathering, and I will certainly request to have it absent. Vegan catering only, please.

I have a clear idea of who I would like for best people: Cameron, Shaun, Cheryl, James, and my brothers and sisters, if all are willing. I'm not renting any tuxes, they can wear whatever they want (That seemed to work great, thematically, for Ross and Alisa). I'll probably just wear the suit I already have, maybe get a decent hat, too. Owen can wear whatever he likes, whether a suit or a dress. It's hard to say what would be more fitting, really. No rings, no silver, gold, or diamonds. Fuck that noise. We'll get finger tattoos, probably. I don't know if O is down with tats.... I'll have to ask really nicely.

I guess I'm just daydreaming at this point. It's going to happen sooner than I think, however. It's really funny.... this could be a great scumbag fest! Mormon weirdos, crusty freaks and clean straight edge youth crew rejects all hopelessly intertwined. I'm really looking forward to it.

12:07pm: How has this not posted here yet?
http://www.thebookofzombie.com/

We want your brains..... for eternity.

12:47pm: Stolen cell phone
O. and I have an open relationship, and things generally run pretty smoothly. However, He recently brought home these two guys that he thought were okay. They weren't. One of them stole my phone.

Therefore, if you have received calls or texts from me on June 3rd, 2009, and particularly if you have a feminine name, I apologize for this behavior, because it was not me. One of my friends got subjected to repeated dialings of "hey, baby, when we gonna fuck?" and shit like that. I am starting to survey the damage, and I'm not too stoked, to say the least. I am considering a delivery of street justice upon this person, should we ever meet in real life.

My phone had theft insurance, and was replaced this morning with a deductible. I made O foot the bill on that one. He thought I had lost the phone at first, and attempted to defend his "tactical selection". He didn't think the guy would have stolen something from the house, but then the text messages and cell phone calls starting rolling out, and I sure hadn't been dialing. First thing this morning, I addressed the situation, and the best part is, I didn't even have to speak to the police. When I think of the things that he said to some of my friends, I find myself affected with a deep rage. I am not a cop caller, but if I find this kid, he is liable to be an ambulance caller.

9:30pm: Another long read
Hella xposted

( Cut for length )

12:49pm: Re: Twitter....
I am tired of how the twitter has invaded this journal. From now on, I will be moving the auto daily posting of tweets to a blogspot, soon to be announced here

*EDIT*: Tweets are now over here http://falloutkid2.blogspot.com/

Nobody else needs to be subjected to it on LJ if they're not already subjected to it on twitter, I figure. This way, I'll be able to search the terms as needed for archival purposes, and everybody else won't have indecipherable blah on their friend's pages.

10:12pm:

• 12:58 Hangin at the courthouse. Presiding Judge of Multnomah County Family Law Court Division, Hon. Jan Waller was really nice, quite supportive #
• 15:07 @DJ_Vise I never called you a bigot. However, the Nazi/Queer comparison can't have won you many followers/fans. #
• 15:09 @isitvegan For reals... fuck Applebees. #
• 15:31 @DJ_Vise I see what you're saying, but damn.... the reasons to not hate the Nazis are not the same as the ones to not hate "We the Queerz". #
• 16:10 @ganishgg Haha, what? #
• 20:17 @ganishgg At first, "fuck the temple with four dudes" sounds like an Honor Code Violation. #
• 21:38 I am so ready for this term to be done. I need some zines in my life... #

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10:10pm:

• 22:48 @cybernetician What kind of van? #
• 23:50 I figured out the hypo. Apparently, even $60k a year isn't enough to start a new life after spousal support. Still stuck on transitional! #
• 10:27 @DJ_Vise Prop 8. Seriously? Not what I expected you to say. #
• 11:40 @alexwrekk Hmmm... don't know what I think about that. Sadly ironic, considering Kerouac drank himself to an early death. Sounds pre-Big Sur #
• 11:41 @burningcorazon Hahahaha. Good job #
• 14:31 @burningcorazon I meant kicking out out the negative influences, but not bad on the quiz, either. I have done extremely awful on those. #
• 14:32 Prop 8 is going down, baby. It's only a matter of time. Church and state are getting divorced. #
• 15:58 @DJ_Vise Wrong age bracket? #
• 16:12 @DJ_Vise Most Republicans are usually a bit older than us. #
• 17:48 @DJ_Vise I'd rather keep you around. You're kind of clever #

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10:10pm:

• 10:53 ♫ Panic - 108 lala.com/zHcI I can relate to this song ... replace "Indian Gods" with "European atheists", and the pain is the same #
• 11:14 @ganishgg Say whattup for me. #
• 11:16 "Arctic" by 108, however, is one of the best hardcore songs ever recorded. And what about "Curse of Instinct"? Damn.... so many good ones. #
• 13:41 It is deathly silent in class. It is all I can do to stop from bursting out laughing. Absurd! I'm biting down on my lips... #
• 20:49 I maintain that I got sick and remain so mostly because of work-school-life stress. I need time to work out and make time for zazen. #
• 20:55 Listening to the Johnny Cash Unearthed box set. Gospel songs mixed with murder ballads. If you sit still, you can't tell a difference. #

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10:10pm:

• 20:50 Attempting to kill this paper.... I've got about fifteen hours to do so, six of which must be for sleep. Hmm.... #

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10:10pm:

• 12:01 @Wolfgangsoldout Happy birfday. #
• 12:32 twitpic.com/5v9th - Martin Sorrondeguy for the win. (I highly recommend Burning Fight, too.) #
• 17:30 Almost as good as Jesus dress-up: www.thebricktestament.com/ #
• 17:41 Oh, mercy...bit.ly/P0YWn
  hahaha #

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10:12pm:

• 10:13 Time to hit the books. 9 page argumentative research paper re: vertical farms will be complete by Tuesday. Time to kill it, friends. #
• 17:27 One thing at a time, man.... been planning out school for the next two years. Is vanity the silver lining on which dreams are kept afloat? #
• 17:54 How good is Songs of Separation? I keep thinking about tattoos of lyrics whenever I listen to that album. HOLLOW!!!!! #
• 20:28 twitpic.com/5tnt7 - I shaved in honor of Morrissey's birthday #

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10:13pm:

• 10:57 ♫ You're The One For Me, Fatty (Live LP Version) - Morrissey lala.com/zaSI HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MORRISSEY! #
• 11:57 My ears are fucked. Ah, hardcore.... some people break their spines stagediving, some go deaf. I believe I will begin learning sign language #
• 11:57 @burningcorazon Way to go! That's the kind of thing that you need to hold onto, eh? #
• 13:42 @burningcorazon I am facebook positive. "Douglas Blaine Taylor" #
• 13:44 @alexwrekk That's not as bad as you think it is... The worse the pun, the better it is. #
• 14:50 I am certain that despite their numerable problems, the Bad Brains circa 1982, are better than 95% of all bands, past, present, and future #
• 14:55 @XBrettX Eat some golden tofu for me #

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